I’m noticing that I’m starting to look in the mirror and really scan for all kinds of small changes, and then I’ve seen how my mood is impacted. I start to feel less confident, I start to hear some loud, irritating voices that narrate what “this all means”. It means I’m not young anymore. And if I am seen as old – am I also irrelevant? Am I unattractive? Am I less likely to be loved? You know, I feel my power leaving me in this internal engagement with myself and the mirror. I’ve figured out that I’m basically jut giving it all away, and that the voices are just patriarchy. They’re ageist. They’re socially constructed but it’s ME that’s allowing myself to do this whole thing to myself – after all, it’s all happening inside my own head. So I just decided to not let those voices be so loud. I’ve made an entire plant wall next to my bathroom mirror – and besides being beautiful, it’s to remind me that when I fertilise them, they grow. Simple, isn’t it? It’s time to make sure that the fertiliser I give to others is also liberally applied to me too. Starting with this bloody mirror conversation.
Since becoming properly perimenopausal I have noticed I am thinking more deeply on so many things that have to do with where my energy goes. I think about how I spend my energy. I’ve become much more careful of those who suck my time but give very little in return. I think about how full my cup is, and I make decisions based on how much of the cup I have to give. That self protection is making my life much more aligned with my goals, and my capacity. I think this is because I am showing up for myself more powerfully than at any stage of my life before.
I sometimes wonder if those who used to get so much free energy are thinking my irritability is due to menopause. The answer is I am no longer in a people pleaser mode and don’t tolerate nonsense anymore. I have stopped making accomodations for things I never should have. I simply ran out of fucks to give. I call people on their issues now, and expect others to do the same. It means my friendships are fierce, tested, full of true authenticity and vigour.
It makes me think that maybe this is going to be the best era yet.
Tanya
I work for myself now. However, my previous employers in the corporate sector were managed by a top heavy, male dominated workforce and I would have received minimal support and no acknowledgement around menopause. If I could wave a magic wand on how my workplace supports women in perimenopause there would be less stigma and a better understanding of the issues women face. Policies for leave. Conversations with colleagues. Feeling like ageism is not an issue. It would be nice to have that feeling like they have at least a bit of a clue about how to support me.
On a personal front, my libido has completely changed . I used to be a huntress, out in the night air, keen to find a fun dalliance or an adventure – and now it’s only coming when I am alone. Or perking up when I am responding to a whole array of stimuli – sensory, emotional, intellectual. I used to have multiple orgasms too. Now I have one. It’s sometimes hard won. But it’s very worth it.
I also barely sleep. It’s like 3am is MY time. I wish I could make better use of it to be honest… I don’t exactly know how to navigate it.
